Life With Maise: 3 Months!

Dear Maise,

Today is your three month birthday! It’s a beautiful, but slightly chilly spring day. This morning we all woke up slow, snuggled for a couple of hours, and walked down to the park. Right now we are posted up on a shady spot; you are long overdue for a nap but happily (ok, maybe a little fussily) looking up at your dad and the trees and the light blue sky. I’m very hopeful you’ll drift off to Dreamland soon!

Yeah, now you’re snoozing under there little caterpillar.

I was really struggling with going back to work, but you showed me that it’s gonna be just fine! You had such a good week. You slept in late for daddy (8am!?), took great naps, and had good night times, too! You had one day with Aunt Lynn and it sounds like you were your usual charming self for her, too. I came home after your midday day nap so we still got to go to Chirp on Monday (you sat right up and watched the lady the whole time!), and BAM on Tuesday (you did great tummy time, shouted at your friends, and took a good nap!). On Thursday I stayed home with you, and we went to a mommy and me yoga class. You were hilarious – you kept scooting yourself to the end of the cushion you were on, so you could hang your head over the side and yell at the momma’s in front of us. Eventually you got snatched up by one of the doula’s, who you won over right away and she insisted on holding you the rest of class. 🙂

Talking was your favorite thing to do this week! You decided to start singing the song of your people loudly and frequently, to whoever might be listening even (especially!) if it’s Mr. Rattle. You blew out a few too many diapers (our first traumatic blowout episode!), gave us lots of little giggles, and plenty of shrill messages. You got very good at putting yourself to sleep and sized up to mostly 6 month clothes. You weigh 13.8 lbs and you’re still very tall. We saw so many smiles, snuggled with everyone, and started reaching for your toys more frequently – right now you love any toy that has a smiley face!

I was very nervous about our big shake up this week, but you proved me wrong again. Life with you just gets better and better, and I feel so lucky! You really are a very perfect baby. Now, I’m gonna lay down and snuggle with you in the park, ok? You’re my sunshine, Mais.





Life With Maise: Hard Stop. (Week 12)

Dear Maise,

I just put you down to bed. I was secretly hoping for an extra long nurse and insistence on more minutes of snuggles, but you fell asleep nursing before I even got your jammies on, and then you slept through that, too. You haven’t done that since you were maybe 6 weeks old! We’ll have a couple of middle of the night snuggles tonight (probably, anyway. You’ve been waking up a lot lately, which I’ve complained about. I promise not to tonight)…. anyway. We’ll have our snuggles, but in the morning when you get up, Daddy’s gonna bring you to the bed for snuggles and I won’t be there. Feel free to snuggle into my spot and know I would give anything to be there with you two!

You’re gonna have a super special, fun morning with daddy. Tonight when I was crying so hard I couldn’t change your diaper (yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous but I can’t seem to control myself), I went for a walk around the house and daddy took over. I was laughing to myself listening to you guys talk in there! I’m so glad you guys get to spend some time together this summer, starting tomorrow.

This week has been my favorite of all. Monday we went to Chirp!, which is songtime at the library. You have been so excited about singing lately. Your favorite song is Baby Beluga – guaranteed smile every time, and you’ve started chiming in part way through to sing along. You were your usual reserved self when we got there, but I’m hoping to take you back soon and see how much you love it a second time around. Tuesday we went to baby and me, as usual. Wednesday we hung around, and Thursday we did some shopping and met Daddy for lunch. Other than him leaving with our car keys, it was a great time! And the keys thing is pretty funny, actually. You know what else you did on Thursday? You started rolling over! You’ve been working on it a while, but you suddenly decided you liked tummy time… then boom! Nailed it. 🙂

Friday it really hit me that this was our last week together. It was a simply beautiful spring day, and we made the most of it after I cried through a nap and wrote you this letter. Sleeping under that tree in the park was so lovely, if too short!

Saturday and Sunday we made the most of our family weekend. We slept in, snuggled extra long in mommy and daddy’s bed, taught you about cribbage, and went for long walks. I snuggled you hard and smelled you a lot. 

You are definitely getting more social and you were a super happy girl all weekend. You’re talking more and crying less. And you’re so smiley, you even smiled at a stranger recently! Watching you look with absolute wonder about the world around you fills my heart in a way I can’t describe. 

I’ll cherish these 12 weeks we’ve had for the rest of my life. Leaving the house in the morning without you will be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I’ll see you after your midday nap!

I love you. I love you. I love you, sweet girl. You’re sunnier than ever.



Life With Maise: Social Butterfly. (Week 11)

Last week was one of my favorites with Maise so far (have I said that every week so far? I could say it about today, too). On Sunday, my brother was briefly in town and we had breakfast. We missed Amanda! But it was fun to let Maise play with him and see them together. He got her dressed for the day and at one point she had socks on her hands AND her feets! It was pretty adorable. That afternoon, we had Jolene’s baby shower. (That reminds me, I wrote a letter to Maise on this day. Find it here). Seeing River smile it up all day, and my serious, inquisitive Maise sizing everyone up was so hilarious and cute. Plus, we are getting so excited for Maise to have a little friend in baby JMD! 🙂
Maise and I went to baby and me, as usual. Wednesday, Maggie came over to spend the morning with us and see what Maise’s schedule is like in advance of my return to work. Now that Maise’s getting more interactive, it’s so fun to see how she responds to different people. She and Grandma had a great time singing silly songs and playing on the floor together!

Saturday, Jolene came over and Sam and J went to the Timbers game together. Jojo and Maise and I went out for ice cream and pizza, then came home and watched a girly movie. Maise chose that particular trip to throw one of her biggest fits to date in the back seat for about 15 minutes… poor tired girl, I guess we cut it too close to her bedtime! Needless to say, as soon as we got home she went right to sleep.

Last week (and this week!) I haven’t been getting a ton done around the house… I’m too busy soaking up every minute I have left with my little nugget and trying to embrace every little thing and commit what this time of life was like to memory forever. I regularly find myself glad that I started writing this stuff down, and reading through the things I wrote only a week or two ago. I’m not sorry the house is a mess, we can definitely clean it later.



Dear Maise,

Right now you’re snoozing. When I put you to bed tonight, you were wide awake and happy. To be honest I wasn’t sure you were going to go to sleep, I thought we might have a situation on our hands here! But I put you in your crib, spun the mobile once, and left the room. You never even made a peep! You really are a perfect baby.

I have loved each day, minute, and second we’ve spent together over these last weeks. You are such a sweet baby! Calling you a social butterfly last week is only partially true – you always look curious about something, but remain straight faced and quiet a lot of the time, especially in new situations. Around the house you’re getting smiler and chattier by the day, but usually you just quietly stare at people!

I’m running out of clever ways to say how much I love you kiddo. You’re still the sunshine!




Life With Maise: Shots With a Side of Snuggles (Week 10)

Maise’s 10th week!! We didn’t do a whole lot, as our last several weeks and weekends had been VERY busy. We did however have a trip to the pediatrician that I had been dreading.

FIRST VACCINES. I made Sam stay home from work that morning and go with me to the doctor. I think we were all glad to be there as a family. The appointment went well; Maise is growing like a weed: 78th %ile for weight, 91st for length, and 54th for head size. Yay Maise!

But then Dr Harper had to clean out one of Maise’s ears, and I had to hold Maise’s head still while she did it. That screech about broke my heart, but it was the REAL TEARS leaking from the sides of her eyes that really did me in. We’d never seen those before, and we haven’t even really seen them since! The ear cleaning was pretty quick and since she was already pretty pissed off at that point, we went right into vaccines. You know when babies are winding up for a cry so they get all red and angry and you just know a big ol’ scream is coming? Yeah, we had that for almost the entire length of the shots. Thank goodness for our awesome pediatrician and her nurse who were SUPER quick about it! I watched sweet Maise’s face the whole time, and it’s a good thing I did – her poor dad watched the shot part and still talks about how he wasn’t expecting the needles to be quite THAT big. So, shots were over and Maise started screaming, but I was able to pick her up and snuggle her right away, then distract her with the tried and true, consistent way to calm her down: a boob.

We went to baby and me that afternoon, but other than that we spent the day snuggled up on the couch. I had an extra grumpy, but extra snuggly snoozer on my hands!

The next day was my birthday (29!) and Maise was still pretty crabby. We met Sam, Marissa, and Jolene for lunch, but again, spent most of the day snuggled up at home. Same brought home flowers and wine, too! 🙂

This is the week I started feeling anxiety about returning to work – probably because it was officially April and I go back to work in April. I tried to take advantage of every hug and snuggle since then!

Over the weekend we had a decent day on Saturday, and we ran some errands including birthday breakfast with Maggie and Wayne, and our annual trip to Fred’s in the springtime to get all of our annual plants. We spent the afternoon potting plants on the patio while Maise snoozed with an extra special windbreaker buddy.

My time off is running short but my minutes with Maise are long as I soak up all her smiles (and slobber)! 🙂


Dear Maise,

I’m all cried out today. You’re taking an extra late nap because we went to the park and you took an extra short nap in the shade of a tree. I’m glad that I get off work early enough this summer that we can spend more sunny afternoons under trees with daddy, too! Never can tell what’ll set me over the edge today but I’m trying to embrace each and every second we have together. I love you, sweet girl. It’s 70 and sunny today and you’re still the brightest sunshine around.

I love you. I love you. I love you.



Dear Maise: The Real World Hits Hard.

Dear Maise,

I just put you down for your nap about 10 minutes early and I’m hoping you’ll peacefully drift to sleep. You could tell something was wrong when I put you down.

Just a little bit ago, I was washing dishes and you were smiling and happy sitting in your bouncer in front of the open sliding glass door, watching Mandy go in and out and how the shadows changed on the patio as the sun hit the new leaves on that damn spiky ball tree in the neighbors yard. Today is the most beautiful day we’ve had since you were born. It’s like the universe knew I would need a little extra sun today.

I got you out of your bouncer and we danced around the kitchen for a few minutes, then I stood you up on the counter and you looked up at me and grinned a big gummy Maise grin reserved just for momma. And then I very suddenly burst into tears. The uncontrollable, ugly hiccuping, sobbing kind. I cuddled you close and smelled your hair and kissed your ears and hugged you some more through the river of tears and snot and spit I was unable to ebb.

It hit me all at once. It’s our last day like this. Our last day for me to get you up from your first nap, play and snuggle and enjoy your happiest time of day together while we sing and talk and play on the floor just the two of us. You were looking up at me and smiling and cooing and I got hit with the most overwhelming mom guilt I could even imagine. Days like this are all you know. You need me Maise. And I have to go.

When you wake up on Monday, I won’t be here. You’re gonna be home with your daddy-o and I hope you give him all the same love and snuggles and smiles and coos you give to me. I’ll be at work, intensely jealous and missing you more than I think either of us could predict.

All week I’ve been super positive about this – about enjoying our last week together, not wallowing in the fact that it’s our last uninterrupted, special days. But this morning a huge wave of wallowing hit me all at once and I didn’t want you to see it.

I’m being dramatic, I know. But my heart is shattering every time you look at me with those beautiful eyes and I know these are my last moments to soak up every second of your life. I have to leave a piece of my soul at home, long before I’m ready to. I’ve been so lucky to spend these last twelve weeks with you, beautiful girl. I have thousands of photos and tons of videos to keep me company at work, and I know your daddy will bring you to visit sometimes. I know there are a hundred good reasons for me to go back to work, and I know that it’s what’s best for you and for our family. It’s good for you to see that you have a strong momma, who takes pride in her job and likes using her brain in other ways. It’s good for you to spend this special time of your life with daddy; it’s good for daddy to spend this special time with you. There are a hundred good reasons for me to go back and it only takes one reason to make me not want to go.

I’m going to dry these tears now. When you wake up I’ll have my shit together and we’ll go walk in the sunshine and snuggle on the floor and I’ll give you some extra mommy kisses. I’ll give you a great big hug and a hundred belly raspberries while I change your diaper. I won’t cringe when you pull my hair while you nurse. I won’t wish for a little break, I won’t take eyes off you for a single second. I won’t let on that while we’re enjoying an extra special day together, my heart is growing and also breaking every second.

We can do this. I love you. I love you. I love you. You’re the sunshine and I love you so, so very much Maise.



PS. We spent your last nap under a tree at the park. It was wonderful. ❤️

Life With Maise: Two Months (Week 9)

How on Earth did two months already pass?? At the same time, how on Earth has it only been two months? Time changes when you have a kid for sure.

On March 29 Maise was officially two months old. So of course, I grabbed the bunny from her pile of stuffies, dressed her in a cute new outfit from Aunt Whitney, and went for it with a floor photo shoot. Unlike my timing last month, she was perfectly happy to be photographed that day!

In her second month of life, Maise discovered her feet, her hands, and her dog. She became a frequent social smiler and started cooing a little. We went through one hundred million diapers and had to toss a couple of poopy outfits. She mastered long car rides and started developing a bit of a schedule for herself. We got outside for lots of walks, we smiled at ourselves in the mirror, and we decided bath time was alright (though the transition from naked to jammytime is still not her favorite). We started nighttime routines and napping in her own room. I froze SO much milk (a sick sort of satisfaction for this mama!). We got lots of Mandy kisses and floor time, and screamed at lots of red lights (sometimes together!). Maise danced with Daddy around the living room after work, and went to see how our flowers were growing outside. We watched dbirds and squirrels, and we played a little piano together, too!

At the end of the week, it was APRIL and Maise made her first trip to Grandma and Bumpa’s house.

We had a fun weekend at home. Saturday morning we had the whole shebang family over for breakfast and Maise got to meet lots of cousins and spend more time with grandma’s and grandpa’s and aunts and uncles. Momma got to drink a mimosa and eat lots of hashbrown casserole (yum!). We went for a long walk Saturday afternoon, just Grandma, Maise and me, and we made a new friend along the way. 

I felt so grateful for good friends and Baby and Me. This poor momma we met on our walk was desperate for some friends who were at a similar stage of life who live nearby. It’s amazing how much your daily interactions change when you’ve got a little life attached to you, and it can definitely be hard to relate to people who aren’t at this same stage of life, when it’s so easy to dominate all conversations with baby talk because that’s all you’ve got going on. Not having an outlet for that would be so challenging!

Sunday we had breakfast with my dad and Cyndy, where I got teased a little for eating alllll the breakfast food items. Whatever, I’m breastfeeding! Bring on the eggs and scones and pancakes and bacon!! 🙂 We had a poopsplosion on the way to meet great-grandma Dorothy, and changed clothes in the back of my dad’s SUV. After a good (but short) visit with Grandma, Jean, and Ron, we were on the road again for Portland!

These were some VERY busy weeks and weekends for us. After this one, we made no plans for a few weeks to take some time at home to recharge and snuggle!!


Dear Maise,

You’re just waking up from your first morning nap, and I’m sitting in bed writing this from my phone. The rest will have to wait until after we both have full tummy’s!

…Alright sweet girl. Mama’s gonna multitask! You’re happily eating at the moment. Have I said recently how glad I am that we put in so much effort to develop a good breastfeeding relationship? Man, it was a lot of hard work. In fact I think it was around this time that the pain of nursing finally subsided and I didn’t cringe in the shower or when you had a bad latch in the middle of the night. Sharing this bond with you is so worth it!! 

Your second month was super fun, and super busy. You were adaptable and charming and patient with us, though bedtime is no joke – we do not mess with bedtime! When Maise is ready for bed, we better be ready for her to go to bed. Otherwise we all suffer all night long!! Though you slept so well at Grandma and Bumpa’s house, I tried to figure out how to extend that magic!

As always, you won over everyone you met and made those who already knew you fall more in love each day. Your face is changing and you are so expressive, we can’t wait to see what the next month brings!!!

You’re the best thing I’ve ever done. The rain is back, but you’re pretty sunny, sweet girl. I love you. I love you. I love you.



Life With Maise: Oh What Fun (Week 8)

Whew! Life is getting busier by the day!!

Kenny and Amanda stopped by at the beginning of the week to meet their niece. Maise, who is not much of a spitter-upper, immediately barfed all over Kenny, multiple times. Must be a solidarity thing ;-). We went out for dinner and a beer, and Maise snoozed. It was a quick visit – by the time we got up in the morning, Kenny and Amanda were long gone on their way to the airport! Regardless, it was really nice to have them here and for them to get to meet our sweet girl!

Maise also made her first trip to my work that week – I keep hoping that her chill attitude and adorable smiles will win everyone over so no one cares if I wear her to work, but that doesn’t seem to be working. I even discussed the possibility of everyone in my row taking her for an hour or so, and everyone seemed excited about it… somehow I don’t think it’s gonna happen, though. 😦

At the end of the week, we had some very special visitors! Whitney and Chelsea came down for a girls weekend. Poor Sam, stuck with us in the house… it was so fun to have them here. Nikko and Mark were also in town, and came over on Saturday morning. We all went out to breakfast together and it was so fun to see everyone and let them love on Maise. While it’s hard to share her sometimes, it always fills my heart to see just how many and how much people love her.

  • Maise had her first significant chunk of time away from me Saturday afternoon; she went with Sam to Aunt Lynn and Uncle Dean’s, with Maggie and Wayne, to watch the Timbers game. We talked about it several times earlier in the week and I went from “absolutely not, she must stay home with me” to “well maybe Maise should go with you,” to “it’s probably a good idea for you to take her.” After we decided she’d go with Sam, I avoided thinking about it anymore right up until he came to take her from me and put her in her carseat. Then I wept for 10 minutes straight. As soon as the car pulled out of the driveway though, I was OK – and super glad I had such fun distractions in my house! We decided to treat ourselves to getting our nails done, and some Mexican food (and a marg!). While Whit, Chels and I were getting our nails done, we figured that the last time just the three of us had time to hang out together like this was ten years ago. It’s amazing how time flies right past us!!

By the end of week 8, things feel like they’re in a pretty good rhythm and it really just feels like Maise has been here forever, though honestly it felt like that from the very beginning. 🙂


Dear Maise,

Right now, you’re starting to stir from your nap. You’ve been on a rigid schedule where you only nap for 45 minutes at a time for at least 2-3 weeks, so I finally decided we’d call that a ‘normal’ nap for you… well girlfriend, you’ve been asleep for an hour and a half. I’m glad you’re having such a good snooze but you do make it tricky to predict what you’re gonna do! I accepted long ago that that the only consistent thing I can expect from having a newborn is that nothing is consistent and everything changes, and you follow that one to a ‘T!’. I’m pretty sure you’re awake in there, actually – just quietly playing by yourself. You’ve recently started putting yourself to sleep, so maybe you’ll start waking up quiet, too! 🙂

During your 8th week you got to meet some more very special people who are close to my heart. You won them all over instantly, and I thought it was very funny that you were so prone to barfing all over your Uncle Kenny. Since then you’ve started spitting up a little more, but at that time you basically NEVER did it, and you made several donations to his shirt within only a few minutes. You’re definitely my girl ;-).

I wasn’t nervous to send you off to play with your dad that day, except that I was – more nervous for myself than for anything else. I had good distractions, but I still missed you pretty fiercely! From what I’ve heard you had a lot of fun with daddy that day and I know it was good bonding time for you both. I cried and cried when you left, and snuggled you hard when you got home!

I go back to work in 6 short days. We’re not thinking about it though. We’re making the most of our last week home together! You’re very smiley right now, especially if we’re singing. The weather can’t make up it’s mind today, but as usual it’s perfectly sunny with you in our house. I love you. I love you. I love you.



Life With Maise: Oh Happy Day (Week 7)

We got home from our trip to Kala Point, and Sam had Monday off (!!) We hung out around the house in the morning, and then Papa and Renee came to town to meet sweet Maise! We spent some time with them Monday afternoon before we went to …sniff, sniff… our LAST EVER midwife appointment, and our only post-partum visit with Megan, our midwife who delivered Maise. We had a family date before hand (dinner at the Fulton Pub), and then a good long visit with Megan. Maise of course charmed everyone, as she always does. Our last appointment was bittersweet – so fun to see Megan and chat about how things are going, a little sad to know we wouldn’t have these regular check-in’s anymore!! Maise and I will be visiting one of her childbirth education classes coming up to share our birth story, so at least we know there’s a visit in the future 🙂

Tuesday, Maise and I spent the morning with Papa and Renee, sharing snuggles and talking. We went to baby and me in the afternoon, then we all went out for dinner at PF Chang’s (YUM!) It was so nice to see Papa and Renee and have them meet and be as mesmerized by Maise as we are! She loved talking to Papa, standing on his lap, and staring at each other!

Wednesday was Sam’s 29th birthday. Maise and I surprised Sam at work for lunch, which was just about our only special thing we did for the day. Turns out, turning 29 with a newborn isn’t the most exciting thing that ever happened. For his birthday evening, we spent it at Costco – one place I’m still not willing to brave by myself with this girl!

At the end of the week, we went to a wake for a friend of Maggie and Wayne’s who passed away, then had dinner with the Daniel’s at Hopworks. Holy cow, talk about family friendly – I think there were more kids in this place than adults!! Maise got passed around to everyone at the table, and it was the first time I felt really protective – I was down at one end, and Maise just kept going from person to person. Now, this is a group of people who I love and trust whole heartedly, and would never worry about any of them individually with Maise. But, after about 20 minutes of this I asked Sam to please get Maise back so I could hold her a minute. It felt like a physical part of me was being passed around like a sack of flour. I’m sure this feeling will ease, but it was so hard at the time!!

At this point we were definitely feeling like Maise had been a member of our little family forever – even if getting the Boba wrap tied in the rain in the Edgefield parking lot was a little tricky. 🙂


Dear Maise,

Right now you’re snoozin’ – we had a busy day, and you sort of refused your normal afternoon nap – only about 20 minutes, then bright eyed! We went out for dinner and you were falling asleep as we were getting ready to leave. Daddy climbed in the back seat to keep you awake on the way home, so that we could get you in bed without much resistance. It worked! At one point, we were both singing “down by the bay” which dissolved into a fit of giggles s we made up verse after verse.

Maise – last night you let daddy put you to bed and you slept from 7am until 4am – through the night, sweet heart!! You’ll never understand this until you have kids of your own, but that 6 hour stretch that I got as a result had me feeling like a Disney princess this morning – singing to the birds and woodland creatures. I think I could probably facilitate world peace with this much sleep!! 🙂 Daddy brought you into bed with us around 6:30 and you went right back to sleep again. Tonight I put you to bed and I am SERIOUSLY hoping we repeat last night’s lovely surprise!!

I loved seeing you with Papa, and I know it meant a lot to him to spend some special one on one time with you. I can’t wait to see what your first Papa lecture is about!!

You’re my favorite person, Maise, and even when its shining outside you’re still my sunshine. I love you. I love you. I love you.



Life With Maise: Stand Up! (Week 6)

We took a trip to Kala Point that weekend, and surprised my dad. We knew they were going to be there, and we’d been trying to find a weekend to get together since Maise was only a couple of weeks old. However, I did not want to brave a 4 hour each way car ride at this time, and repeatedly said so. Sam kept telling me it would be fun, and we should go. I was not convinced.

Eventually he won out, and we decided to go. Since it was a last minute decision, and if Maise lost her sh^t on the way out of Portland, I didn’t want to tell my dad, so he wouldn’t be disappointed if we didn’t show up. We decided to leave after work on Friday, around Maise’s bedtime, and just cross our fingers that she’d sleep as much as possible. Wouldn’t you know, our little babe fell asleep as we were going through downtown Portland, and didn’t stir until we pulled into the parking space a little after 11pm.

We had a great weekend. On Saturday morning, we got up and shared some Maise snuggles, then went out for breakfast. We wandered through downtown PT for a few hours, shopping and meandering and people watching at a very unique coffee shop. Proud breastfeeding moment; I nursed Maise in a beautiful coastal home store, sitting in a several-thousand dollar chair in front of a fireplace 🙂 In a carrier! I am momma, hear me roar. We spent the afternoon and evening catching up, playing cards, and eating take out seafood. On Sunday we had breakfast at the airport down the street, and then went through the air museum before some final snuggles and the car ride home. She slept almost the whole way home, too!


Dear Maise,

I just put you down (again). You keep getting really tired about an hour before our normal ‘bedtime’, so we rush through bedtime routine, you fall asleep… and wake up 45 minutes later like you were just taking a nap. I love you a lot little girl, but I’d prefer you sleep in longer chunks! Daddy put you to bed last night and you snoozed like a champ for him!

Calling Week 6 “Stand Up” week is pretty accurate. Not only did you rarely like to be sitting down anymore while we held you, you’d also really like to stand up yourself! You have definitely started developing opinions about what we do – up until this point you were pretty happy doing whatever we put you in front of. You loved to lie on your back and just talk to us, something you still like to do now! You also loved tummy time on your blow up ball, especially if we put a mirror in front of you (or my phone!). We rolled around all over the place!!

I love watching you learn. You’re still the sunshine, Mais. I love you. I love you. I love you.



Dear Maise

Maise Girl,

There’s a few more of these posts to write before we get up to current, but last night, you were crying in your crib, then I picked you up and we sat in momma’s chair and rocked. You snuggled right in, and stared at me in the dark until you drifted off to sleep. This morning, we snuggle snoozed for a while because you didn’t sleep so good in your own room. After dad left for work, we kept snuggling, and at one point you woke up. I snuck out of bed, ready to start playing for the day, and then you snuggled right in to the spot I had just left and went back to sleep. It was one of my favorite moments so far with you, just that innocent little move. I could see you settle in, as if to say “yeah, this spot feels safe like momma.” It made me feel good, Mais.  

This afternoon, you were screamin’ and didn’t want to stop. I wasn’t sure what to do so I started singing “Let it Be,” and you stopped screaming right away, then sang along with me.

Your eyes are the bluest blue, and sometimes they have a hint of slate grey in them. They’re beautiful, and everyone comments on them.

You have the most adorable bunch of dreadlocks on the back of your head right now from rubbing your head on everything. I’ve tried to get them out, but you’re stuck with them. I think they’re badass.

Yesterday we went to a party with another baby, who is two months older than you. She laughed and hammed it up the whole time, while you mean mugged everyone and never smiled. I laughed about that with daddy when I got home later, and he said, “that’s my girl.”

I have to go back to work soon. Sometimes I feel trapped in this house, not sure how to keep you entertained for another minute. Sometimes I feel exhausted and just when I lay down for a nap, you wake up and start sqwaking for some milk. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right things, minute by minute, making the best life possible for you. Then I see you take a deep breath of mommy sheets and fall back asleep and I can’t think of anything else that makes my heart feel the way it did just then.

I have to go back to work soon. I want you to have a routine and a schedule and to be sleeping soundly, and ready for the shakeup that’s coming when I have to leave every morning…but I can’t seem to put you down. I want to stare in your eyes when you’re awake, and look at your long eyelashes when you snooze. I want to watch you drift off into dreamland, then snuggle tight to me like you want to be snuggled just like that forever. Today all of your eyelashes on your right eye are smashed and crooked. Probably because you can’t keep your hands off your face, and because I also let you practice tummy time by default – where you want to inspect something (usually your feet) and look at it reallll close…. Eventually the weight of your head wins and you adorably tip over and faceplant, butt up… and in 3….2….1…. NOPE. Stand me up, mommy!!
I go back to work soon and I’m already feeling nostalgic for this time while also looking forward to going to work, and hating that you can’t come too (though I have repeatedly asked). I go back to work soon and I miss you already.

Every single minute, I love you Maise. Every minute we spend together is one more minute to soak up this amazing, uninterrupted time we’ve had together. I wouldn’t trade a single second of it.

I love you endlessly. You’re the sunshine, Mais.



Serious face, always.