There’s a few more of these posts to write before we get up to current, but last night, you were crying in your crib, then I picked you up and we sat in momma’s chair and rocked. You snuggled right in, and stared at me in the dark until you drifted off to sleep. This morning, we snuggle snoozed for a while because you didn’t sleep so good in your own room. After dad left for work, we kept snuggling, and at one point you woke up. I snuck out of bed, ready to start playing for the day, and then you snuggled right in to the spot I had just left and went back to sleep. It was one of my favorite moments so far with you, just that innocent little move. I could see you settle in, as if to say “yeah, this spot feels safe like momma.” It made me feel good, Mais.
This afternoon, you were screamin’ and didn’t want to stop. I wasn’t sure what to do so I started singing “Let it Be,” and you stopped screaming right away, then sang along with me.
Your eyes are the bluest blue, and sometimes they have a hint of slate grey in them. They’re beautiful, and everyone comments on them.
You have the most adorable bunch of dreadlocks on the back of your head right now from rubbing your head on everything. I’ve tried to get them out, but you’re stuck with them. I think they’re badass.
Yesterday we went to a party with another baby, who is two months older than you. She laughed and hammed it up the whole time, while you mean mugged everyone and never smiled. I laughed about that with daddy when I got home later, and he said, “that’s my girl.”
I have to go back to work soon. Sometimes I feel trapped in this house, not sure how to keep you entertained for another minute. Sometimes I feel exhausted and just when I lay down for a nap, you wake up and start sqwaking for some milk. Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing the right things, minute by minute, making the best life possible for you. Then I see you take a deep breath of mommy sheets and fall back asleep and I can’t think of anything else that makes my heart feel the way it did just then.
I have to go back to work soon. I want you to have a routine and a schedule and to be sleeping soundly, and ready for the shakeup that’s coming when I have to leave every morning…but I can’t seem to put you down. I want to stare in your eyes when you’re awake, and look at your long eyelashes when you snooze. I want to watch you drift off into dreamland, then snuggle tight to me like you want to be snuggled just like that forever. Today all of your eyelashes on your right eye are smashed and crooked. Probably because you can’t keep your hands off your face, and because I also let you practice tummy time by default – where you want to inspect something (usually your feet) and look at it reallll close…. Eventually the weight of your head wins and you adorably tip over and faceplant, butt up… and in 3….2….1…. NOPE. Stand me up, mommy!!
I go back to work soon and I’m already feeling nostalgic for this time while also looking forward to going to work, and hating that you can’t come too (though I have repeatedly asked). I go back to work soon and I miss you already.
Every single minute, I love you Maise. Every minute we spend together is one more minute to soak up this amazing, uninterrupted time we’ve had together. I wouldn’t trade a single second of it.
I love you endlessly. You’re the sunshine, Mais.
Serious face, always.