Yep. You. For just one reason. WHY, oh WHY didn’t anyone remind me that this trainwreck of a show was back!?
I knew it was coming but somehow I missed it. Because YOU forgot to remind me. Yes, this show is terrible. True, no one ever stays together. No, no one ever gets to go on a crazy date to Iceland or South Africa or the freakin’ Caribbean. But seriously… what sane 23 year old woman is capable of not getting sucked in to this drama fest? If I keep it on my TV, it won’t come into my life. Right? Right. I’m glad we agree.
Fortunately, I forgive you for not reminding me that it was back. Because I am unemployed. So yesterday, I did what anyone in my situation would do. I cleaned house all morning, went to the library, and then committed approximately four hours of my evening to catching up on the two episodes I’ve missed (ps – Hulu, if you are reading, please bring back the 30 second commercials. I don’t like waiting a whole minute. K thanks.).
So here is my two-minute take on the first two episodes. In a list, because you know I love them. Also, know that I tend to make up names for people who I don’t remember.
1. Drunk Tim. ARE YOU SERIOUS!? Yuck Yuck Yuck.
2. West, you are adorable. So are you JP. And winemaker guy and Frenchie. Please speak French always.
3. First date guy, you’re cute. Not sure what you’re name is. But you are crazy for saying “I do” at that chapel date. Also, you’re thirty. And I’m pretty sure you make $10 an hour. That’s rough. Also, not so impressed with your impressions. Keep that stand up comedy in the bag.
4. Bentley. I have lots of rude things to say about you. Because you are a mean mean poopypants. You say mean things all the time and it is clear you came on this show for all the wrong wrong reasons. Because you suck. (ps, thanks producers for bring him on just to have an evil guy. you suck too.)
5. Ashley, I didn’t like you much last season. However, I gotta say, you look real cute. But use your head and send captain D-bag home. Also, bring your voice down about an octave. It’s a little screechy sometimes. And, most words don’t end with “uh.” It just makes you sound whiney-uh! (I hope you read that with the same 10-year-old brother voice in your head as I do…)
I was going to stop at five. But,
6. Mask guy. I get what you’re saying. I get that you want her to love your heart and not your scruffy face. But just grab a razor, shave off that stupid stubble, and burn. that. mask.
…I guess I think this season’s cast reads my blog. Just let me think that, m-kay? I feel pretty bold telling them “to their faces” what I think of them.
Aaaaannnnnd, that’s my take on the Bachelorette. Read it and weep, yo.